The show deadline has been extended to August, which I am relived about because I feel like I haven’t even started yet. I’m actually hoping that the show will be cancelled altogether and I can just give up.

When I first started or rather what I refused to start or couldn’t start, I didn’t have any direction. When I finally discovered inspiration through my Comcast technician, I couldn’t get over it. When he left, I didn’t know what to do. I felt crushed. I thought maybe I would paint my sister and my neighbor as kooky western spinsters. Now I was stuck on the west, but during this time of pandemic, protests and outrage, I felt like needed to say something in my work that was important for these times. In a journal I wrote; 6/2/2020 I feel I don’t have the words or the strength in words to talk about what’s going on. Not in my art. I feel I should be doing something, saying something to make a difference. But I’m not. I can’t. Perhaps its synonymous with my living. What I can’t/won’t do. If I can’t do it for me, I can’t do it for you (us).

I spent a lot of time sitting around not working just looking at the work. I realize the prints from Remington & Me and my cowboy journal had lots of nudity and that that would not be acceptable as “family friendly.” I needed to cover over them. Disappointed and still hooked on the story of the black cowboy but not knowing what to do with it, I got back to work, again thinking, if I just work, what to do next will come to me. I felt like I needed new imagery and I decided to draw my own western collage material beginning with a toy cowboy pistol I have.

This is a big deal. Typically I use found collage material in my work. Other than the figure, most of the work is collage. Taking the time to draw the gun was new- making my own material was new. It was based on this experience that in the completed images for the show I had the confidence and patience to draw what I would usually have researched and collected to glue down. Drawing these guns actually changed or added new dimension to the way I work; but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Using figure drawings on architectural plans I added more marks, paint and collage to the fairly large paper for more interest. I then made a decision to make the guns all 8” x 12” and proceeded to cut the paper to size. Sometimes I used other paper such as sheet music and maps. Sometimes I cut the gun out and collaged it on other paper. I also used the background leftover from the cutout gun to create new guns. I saved everything I cut out to reuse. I glued a bunch down on a smaller panel. Then I randomly glued them down on one of the larger panels. Then went all in and completely covered the other two panels including covering over a lot of the other collaged prints, though in some areas working around it, as well as gluing them down on small 8x10 panels. I made over a hundred and I just kept making guns all the same size but with a variety of materials trying to make each one different. And I really enjoyed it. People asked me what’s with the guns? I didn’t know and I kept making them.

Small gun panel 36” x 36” Some spaces I left open to draw the guns directly onto the surface.

I called the curator to talk about my guns so he came over for another studio visit. He said you could just show these as is. I said for me, they don’t say anything yet so even though I like them, they are not complete. I was thinking I would do a portrait on top, but then I would lose the guns. Augustine said, “You know, I like the guns too and I’m thinking you should leave them for some time when you know what to do with them. I recommend you start over for this project.” I realize that will require building new panels.

Leaving some of the previous collage material and randomly adding guns though I eventually stick to the grid. There is a Larry Hagman from Dallas buck at the top- I’ve had that since college.

Since my truck died in October my sister lent me her car and I met Augustine at Home Depot to purchase the materials and Augustine would then drop them off at my house. Meanwhile, I was the recipient of the Fulcrum Fund emergency grant this year and I actually did what I said I was going to do with it. I paid my mortgage and bills and the rest I used to buy these materials for the show. I got the wood, a circular saw and a belt sander. At the store I’m asking Augustine how to build it how do I set it up to cut the wood, glue it, clamp it, etc. then he’s just looking at me. Finally he says, do you want me to just build this for you? Pretty much fuck yeah. In case you don’t know, Augustine is one of the most amazing artist/curators/friends out there and someone this city and the art community desperately needs. Why SBCC is fucking with him is beyond my knowledge. As an artist, I am so lucky to know someone like Augustine who has been an incredible help and support to me over the years Literally hanging a show for me when I couldn’t figure out how to do it. He’s brilliant, and his suggestion of starting over- which, even though I thought it was particularly crazy, starting over when it had been so hard to start from the get go, it sounded completely on track. A few days later a cradled 8’ x 4’ x 1.5” panel arrived at my studio. Holy shit.